So lately, I’ve been asking a lot of questions that all lead me to the same core questions. It seems to be a matter of; “Why? When? How? Who?” and even more, “WHY?”
I know that for most of my life, I’ve been stupid. Let’s be honest, we all have. And now that I’m finally confronting myself with all of these questions, and not just going on what I feel, I’m coming to actually accept that I will always be asking why. It might not be about the same thing, but there will always be another question to be answered. Another “why?” placed in my lap for me to worry about.
Quite recently I’ve been questioning the path of my vocation. I have no clue where I will be three or five years down the road from now, and that truly scares me. Not knowing where I will be or how things will turn out. It really makes my bones shake. This fear is like being scared of spiders times one million. So many things and aspects of my life are unanswered, I just don’t know what to do with myself once I finish my degree.
Will I be go for a Masters? Will I fall in love? Become a mother? Or even scarier, a Sister, or possibly a Nun? Or will I remain single? Yet to have had an honest, open relationship with a true man of God in my life?
There are so many options, and I just don’t know what God wants me to do. Sometimes, I feel as if I’m just tapping into my emotions.
Let me explain… My parents divorced the summer between my sixth and seventh years in middle school. Obviously, you are just starting to “feel things” and discover yourself around then, and I don’t think that I ever got the chance to because I closed up after that happened… Honestly, it wasn’t until at least my senior year that I started truly feeling again, addressing my smothered emotions about my father and everything that happened when I moved to Tallahassee. It was hard, and I guess I’m still learning. Those six years took so many learning opportunities away from me, it’s just not fair. Even so, I can’t change it, and I don’t think that I would because even thought it’s hard where I am now, I like where I am. It’s a good place to be in. But all of that? That’s another story in itself.
My desire to find God’s Will has always been a challenge for me. I know that I’ve had experiences where I’ve felt God’s hand on my shoulder and known that I was where I was supposed to be. That warmth and reassurance when you just know that your will is aligned with God’s. It’s amazing. But I know that we can’t feel that all the time, or else it wouldn’t be so special when we do feel it.
But I still feel that I don’t know enough about myself or God to properly discern my vocation. Would I love to be a mother? Yes. I even want little boys. But would I say yes if my vocation called me to live a single life, or even to live it as a religious? My first reaction is that I would not be willing, yet, I say that I am willing to do anything for God.
I guess it comes down to the question of, “What are you willing to give up, in order to get closer to God?”
When I heard that in a homily, my immediate response was “my sexuality.” And as a woman that wants to be a mother, wouldn’t my sexuality be the one thing that I treasured most? The ability to carry two souls at once and as commanded by the Lord to “be fruitful and multiply.” If that’s what comes to mind when asked what I would sacrifice for the Lord, does that mean I’m called to religious life? Or is it just supposed to make me understand how precious being called to motherhood really is?
Yet, my other greatest fear is being alone, physically. I mean, I know that I am never alone and that the Lord is always with me, but one of my love languages is touch (most of the time anyway). So if this is one way I like to receive love, why would the Lord call me to be something that I believe to be so, for lack of a better word, alone? I know that as a Sister or Nun, you live in community with your other sisters, but I have come to realize that living in a community of sisters does not equal the love that I would get from a husband. They are different; and I desire the love of a husband.
Even more so, if I “find my delight in the Lord, he will give me my hearts desire,” what does that mean? I know what I think my desire is, but is that desire the same as what the Lord desire’s for me?
The final thing that it comes down to I guess is that I want my desire to be the Lord because he knows me better than I know myself. And to trust that He will give me what I need is hard, but I guess to trust is hard enough. Sometimes, I truly think we can’t figuratively spell “believe” without the “lie.” But I can try.
In Christ and Mary