Only Fooling Myself

Now I admit, I’m not boy crazy; ask anyone. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have feeling for certain men that come and go in my life. It just means that I don’t fall all over every man that gives me attention. I’m also not a proud person, but I am happy that I don’t act that way. It’s honestly a pet peeve of mine to see other girls go in and out of feelings for so many men within a certain period of time. I just want to shout to them, “SETTLE DOWN. Just because you’re in college doesn’t mean you have to find a husband by the time you graduate. Diamond Degree’s don’t get most people very far.”

But I would be lying if I said I didn’t have feelings for someone right now; I would also be lying if I told you that I want to feel this way. The truth could not be more opposite. I don’t want to have feelings for this kid, I don’t. But I do.

I should give a background story.

So I meet this kid, and we become friends (we’ve now been friends for about a year). After a while he just spills his whole life story to me, and honestly, when it happened it didn’t phase me because I know I’m a very easy person to talk to and trust. Usually that is a good thing and I don’t mind that I give off that composure, but after he kept telling me everything going on in his life, I started to develop feelings for him. And I know, these feelings aren’t bad. What is bad, is the jealousy that arose from him telling me about his different trials and failures with other women throughout the year.

It really bothered me that he would try and start a relationship with several other women when there was one who knew more about him than two of his three roommates right in front of him who still loved him for who he was [is]. And that’s completely true. I would never want to change him, that would defeat the purpose of having feelings for him.

In the midst of all of this, I have a great guy friend who knows all about the situation. I’m super blessed to have him in my life, because since I’m usually the one people come to for advice, I never go to anyone else but myself. That being stated, it’s really hard for me to hear advice from someone other than myself and to have confidence come from another person. Even harder is for me to hear my own words used against me, and he does that abundantly. I hate it, but like I said, I’m so glad he uses my own words and advice against me.

He began asking me why I’m trying to force this relationship. I responded that I wasn’t, to which he boldly told me, “A relationship always happens when you’re not looking for it.” While I completely agreed with him and like to say that I’m “not looking for a relationship right now,” I must admit that even though my pursuit of this relationship is not active, I am still looking for it, but in a passive way.

I might not be trying to make this boy that I like jealous by going out with a bunch of different guys in front of him, I might not be a huge flirt with him, and I’m definitely not directly stating my feelings to him point blank, but as I take a step back and assess the situation, I am trying to kick-start him having feelings for me. Here and there I’ve been trying to make little changes about my personality so that he might become a little more interested in me: Listing to country music more, tolerating little things that I usually wouldn’t be okay with; I was trying to morph myself into the perfect woman for him. The most disappointing part is that it didn’t really seem to be getting me anywhere.

And those aren’t the only things wrong with the way that I was thinking. This guy I like is a little bit of a partier and that doesn’t bother me at all, but I’m not 21, and I can’t drink or party as freely as he does. That doesn’t bother me either, but after a while I had this feeling that “maybe he didn’t like me because he thinks that I can’t keep up with his lifestyle.” As I was trying to rationalize this in my head, the real concern that formed in my mind was, “What if he thinks I’m too holy to date?”

After I asked myself that question, I was immediately disgusted with myself. Me, the woman who rejoices in knowing that she is Christ’s, and proud to know that she is independent and doesn’t need to change for anyone, especially a man, is trying to cheapen herself? I hate it when girls play stupid to get a guy, and to be quite honest, what I was doing was so much worse than any act of idiocy.

My great guy friend then suggested, “Why don’t you work on your relationship with God?” And I just thought that was about the stupidest question on the face of the planet because I’d like to think I have a good relationship with God, and I know I do. I told him he was missing the point and he asked, “Really? How is your relationship with God?” I told him it was fine, great actually to which he responded with a finger pointed at me and a shout of, “Wrong. Everybody’s relationship with God could use some work.”

He truly left me dumbstruck (which almost never happens). I couldn’t even be mad because of the severity of his accuracy. While my relationship with God is strong and fruitful, that is in no way, shape, or form an excuse for me to not work harder at it.

I honestly have no clue what is going to happen between me and this boy in the future, and while I would like to know, I’m not going to become hung up on it like I admit that I have been recently. I finally realized that I just need to talk a deep breath, and continue on my walk with God and to let him help me become who I am and was meant to be. And then, everything else will just fall into place, as long as I trust Him. I know it.

Holiness is not something that I want to have less of, in any circumstance, and now that I realize that, it’s time to start running back to the Church, as hard and as fast as I can. I’m not saying that I was ever away, but I just need to re-focus, and re-realize God’s love for me, before I can ever realize the love of a mortal man for the first time. I am ready to become the strong woman that I was meant to be.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come. She opens her mouth in wisdom, and on her tongue is kindly counsel. She watches the conduct of her household, and eats not her food in idleness. Her children rise up and praise her; her husband, too, extols her: ‘Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all.’ Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her a reward of her labors, and let her works praise her at the city gates.”

-Proverbs: 31:25-31 NAB

In Christ and Mary,

Kate ❤


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